Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
