just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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