I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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