arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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