How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
