Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
