I want to walk on stilts...naked
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
