If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
