next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
