I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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