I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
