Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
