My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you mean i was at the winter classic?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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