i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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