they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
