she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You ate ashes out of my bong
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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