I'm going to rape someone's good day.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
