I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
