His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
