Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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