I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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