i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
