you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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