Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
