saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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