don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
