you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
