im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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