so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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