that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
