I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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