i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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