I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
