Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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