I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
