I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
