how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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