Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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