I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
