i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
