I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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