All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The uberlube is also flammable
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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