Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can't put those talents on a resume
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
