Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just found puke in my bra..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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