i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We had to coat check the pizza.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
