This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
