I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
