I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
