both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
