So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
